Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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