1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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