im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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