Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
