I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
