he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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