I skipped work to stalk him.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
