i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Randomize
