You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
