A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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