Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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