i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
