I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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