every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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