I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
