Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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