The best revenge is premature balding
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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