Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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