I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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