Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize