I'm lost and stupid without you.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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