FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
