Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
