I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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