Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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