Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
