I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
