Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
