my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
