we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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