He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
