pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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