Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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