it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Randomize
