just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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