I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
