Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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