I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
