watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
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