I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
