Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
