went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
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Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
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3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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