I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
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God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
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I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
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