Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
