I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Randomize
