Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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