She is in my trunk
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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