I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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