college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Randomize
