I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
