as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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