I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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