I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
