he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
she pinky promised me she was 18
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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