I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
