Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
